Get over it! Pull yourself together! Stop feeling sorry for yourself! The harsh reality inside our heads.

How seeds of violence are planted in the human psyche.

11th November 2016

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Sound familiar?! There’s something really quite harsh about the way we speak to ourselves. I guess because nobody else hears it and we use this kind of language to push through our struggles just like our parents did before us. Most of this kind of ‘command and control’ language finds its roots in the military and in schools that were influenced by heavy Christian dogma and Victorian values. When you listen to people whose parents lived through the second world war speak about how they deal with and think about themselves what you hear is harsh language and very little self-compassion.

Maintaining a stiff upper lip and pushing through the pain are survival strategies but we pay a price for applying them because they lead to suppression, anxiety and ultimately dis-ease. Our heads are very good at judgement and criticism and they are experts at giving our emotional selves a really good talking to and It might sound something like this:

“Get a grip” “Man Up!” “Sort yourself out” “Grow up!” “What doesn’t break you makes you stronger” “Stop being a wimp and show some backbone!” “There are people far worse off than you!” “For God’s sake pull yourself together!”

This kind of language punishes our humanity and vulnerability and actually results in further internal wounding. Suppression leads to physical illness which often comes as a messenger that we are not processing or dealing with our emotions effectively.

So what is the antidote? Simply – human kindness and giving ourselves permission sometimes to sit with our feelings and allow them. Learn to soften those hard edges and speak to yourself with loving kindness. The language of kindness isn’t weak or fluffy – it’s a language of compassion that literally helps your body to relax and release tension and your heart to heal and grow. We are living in very harsh times and more than ever before we need to learn what non-violence is from the inside and truly learn to think loving and kind thoughts. It can only be a daily practice.

Therapy is a place to listen and explore how you think and speak to yourself and to notice the impact it has on your whole being. Some of this language gets hard-wired and so when you make it conscious it becomes easier to change. Kindness and self-compassion take time to nurture but once those seeds are planted then you really witness a person transform.

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