Narcissism Unmasked

Looking good and learning to be human

16th February 2023

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Narcissism is about masking vulnerability and pain. We live in a narcissistic society and we are taught to manage perception through social media. Looking good is the name of the game and whether you are determined to get those abs or eyebrows your image is more important than how you feel on the inside. We get impressed by celebrities and lifestyles that are mostly unattainable and get consumed by an impossible dream. I want to explore narcissism from a relational perspective and then speak about healing it from our psyches as a collective.

The word is everywhere now and everyone is being labelled a narcissist. Originally coming from the myth of Narcissus who famously fell in love with his own reflection. It refers to the idea of a person being self-absorbed, perhaps with a superiority complex and unable to empathise with others sincerely. I say sincerely because often someone with narcissistic traits can fake empathy and tell very convincing stories because they are very good at projecting and protecting their grandiose and inflated self-image.

It's important to see narcissism as a spectrum. Down the extreme end there could be a person with a full Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These people are seriously ill and not safe to relate to. They are great manipulators and to them people are objects and they use them accordingly. Their romantic relationships often begin with them ‘love-bombing’ the other person and then once they have the person where they want them they suddenly withdraw the love and often move on in search of another person to adore them. They feed off getting their need for adoration met and once met they get bored and transfer their attention to the next person. Often someone with NPD can be abusive and cruel to their partners and much is written about that. Then down the opposite end of the scale you have people who are narcissistically wounded and that exists in many of us. A narcissistic wound is basically a wound to the ego and this occurs if you have a parent who saw you as an extension of themselves or wanted you to make them look good. You may have been loved for what you could do, not for who you were as a human being. This is also extremely damaging for a child and the consequence in adulthood is often a lot of anger and resentment towards the parent and a lack of self-love. So this person has a wound to their sense of self and they then have to use their ego or false self to mask that wound so others do not see their vulnerability. Of course like all spectrums there are many ways these wounds can show up and many nuances and approaches to healing.

If you find yourself living with someone with narcissistic traits you will feel pushed out and a constant tension in your body. This may send you into a very difficult space and if you are empathic and sensitive you may start to wonder what have you done wrong. Narcissists often say that they don’t need people at all and people are not their priority. They don’t take criticism or negative feedback easily and rarely will they apologise to you but what they are good at is making others wrong. This heavily defended position is to avoid at all costs people seeing their insecurities and vulnerability. In relationships they may initially be charming but then in time you may find yourself feeling very alone as they gradually isolate you from your friends and family by either convincing you that these people aren’t good people or by being rude and upsetting them directly. Control is often a big feature of these relationships particularly needing to control conversations and self-image. They slowly chip away at your confidence, stating that they are completely comfortable with themselves and really it’s you who has all the issues. Narcissists are often attracted to empaths and so it’s common for the empathic person to doubt themselves and the narcissist to be completely confident that it is everyone else that needs to change. Both gaslighting and coercive control feature in these relationships and this results in feelings of powerlessness and living in a permanent fog. Living with such a person is extremely demanding for an empathic person. You feel like you are in a constant state of confusion and doubting your perceptions. It erodes your confidence and breaks your heart because you never get the love back. No matter how hard you try – nothing is right and everything you do and say is wrong. It is emotionally devastating. If you ask the person to get help you will be met with a refusal followed by ‘You are the one who needs help.’ The delusions run deep.

It's important to see these patterns as emotional wounding and to recognise that this kind of deep psychological problem cannot be fixed in the relationship itself. It requires external support and a level of honesty and openness that most narcissists would run a mile from. There are examples of narcissists who have consciously worked on themselves such as Russell Brand who openly acknowledges his patterns. It is said though that very few narcissists make it to therapy because of their blindspots and convictions but some do make it there and turn their lives around. What’s needed is a deep spiritual search for the ‘True self’ within coupled with some honest conversations about their behaviour in relationship. It is a painful process however those who make it can go on to become authentic people who learn to settle for being ordinary instead of someone special. It can be a slow road to recovery but it’s not impossible.

If you are the empathic person recovering from the narcissistic partner it’s going to take you many years to get out of the relationship and realise the impact of it on you. In therapy it can take time to clear the fog and confusion and find the truth of what you’ve experienced. However it is truly a journey worth taking because there is freedom on the other side of narcissism. An important question to answer is – what drew you in in the first place? If you are drawn like a magnet to a narcissist it is probably because that kind of personality exists in your family of origin and it is your path to realise these behaviours and heal them. Most of us have some damage to our sense of self and so it’s not uncommon for people to have subtle narcissistic traits such as the need for validation or attention from others. The problems arise from this if you are unaware that this comes from a wound and you unconsciously act it out.

Society has become increasingly obsessed with external show. Many of our leaders are narcissistically wounded too and in recent years this has caused a lot of disillusionment and a lack of safety because some narcissists are capable of action without guilt. Many say they don’t do guilt. So the most important thing is to learn to recognise narcissism and not to allow anyone of this personality type to influence you or put you under their spell. Beware of anyone who tries to love bomb you and be cautious about people who make everything about themselves. In yourself, consider the edges of your ego and how you can display narcissistic traits such as arrogance or wanting approval and consciously practice humility and being ordinary. Fading into the background is really important if you have ever been conditioned to be a special child or member of a community where you were told you were a chosen one. Stop photo-shopping your pictures and try being more real with what you post. Learn to be at ease with imperfection, aging and generally being flawed and human. I often say to my clients……..be a bit messy and try turning up to therapy as the real you…….not the polished you. Take off the masks gradually.

Undoing narcissism is our work now and the way is through getting back to the heart and soul. Narcissists are disconnected from their true self and so the way back to the self is really the only path to heal this collective wounding. If you are someone who refuses therapy and thinks you are above it……….think again……….you probably need it more than anyone. It is our intellects at the end of the day that convince us we are superior but our soul that whispers…….you need help. Listen to the whisper not the clever parts of yourself. That is wise.

If you want to talk about recovering from narcissistic abuse in it’s many forms or you think you could be narcissistically wounded and need to get help, please do reach out and I can point you in the right direction. Nothing is impossible and healing is available to everyone with the right person for you. It may not be me, but I can signpost you to some experienced people.

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