Better Out Than In!

Thoughts on feelings...

9th August 2016

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It strikes me almost every day of my working life that a lot of people are very creative in the way they avoid their feelings. We are so good at holding them in, going quiet, pushing them down with food or simply containing them with such control that even we forget they exist. The thing is they do exist and they are very powerful.

As feelings gain momentum they gradually develop and accumulate into emotions and all the latest research will tell you that emotions don't just go away. Yes they may reduce in intensity over time but we cannot live our lives denying them because they are weak or we don't want the world to see our less than confident side.

Feelings simply need acknowledgement. Sometimes they need to be held like a small baby and sometimes they need to be sung at the top of your voice in the car! Occasionally they may need to cascade down your cheek onto someone's shoulder or they may need to be written and kept in a journal.

Most people need at least one or two friends in their life with whom they can freely share at a more intimate level and it's also true that not everyone has that. Many people say in therapy that they have a lot of friends but very few with whom they feel safe and 'seen' in their pain. It may not need to happen that often but it definitely needs to happen.

Meditators will tell you to learn to witness the flow of your thoughts and feelings and some will tell you that your feelings aren't real or are separate from your true self. When a person is suffering this is not helpful. In that space a person needs their feelings to be honoured, allowed and given space to so that they can bubble up naturally and be seen.

In therapy as long as nobody is going to get hurt - feelings are all welcome. The good the bad and the ugly. Some will be born out of projections and imagination but others will be coming from a deeper place within the soul. These feelings speak of a deeper yearning for something other than how I am right now. These feelings are truly valuable because they speak of a longing for connection, meaning or contribution in life.

I frequently hear people say 'I don't feel' or 'I'm not an emotional person' and I've also witnessed many times that those people are drawn to others who are in their feelings quite a lot of the time. In truth we all need to integrate all aspects of ourselves.

There is no escape. Your feelings if ignored will pile up and overflow when life throws you a curveball. Otherwise they may shift into various forms of anxiety or even worse panic attacks or illness. Feelings held in the body over a long period of time cause stagnancy which ultimately leads to dis-ease.

So maybe you're not a talker. It doesn't matter at all. All that matters is that you find a way of channeling your innermost feelings whether that be through writing, singing your heart out or having a really long chat with your closest friend over a cuppa. If you allow feelings you are investing in your long term mental and emotional health and you are modelling something very significant for future generations.

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