Scapegoating – A sickness in our families, across cultures and in our society.

27th August 2016

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Have you ever felt that somehow there was something wrong with you or that you must be a bad person? Did you grow up having doubts about your self-esteem or personal worth? Have you ever blamed yourself or been blamed for something that happened in your family that wasn’t your fault? Or are you a person who feels like in any group situation you seem to be on the receiving end of quite a bit of negative energy or abuse?

If any one of these are true for you then it could be that at some stage in your life you took on the role of the scapegoat or black sheep within a group and/or family setting. The concept of scapegoating in tribal or ancient cultures goes back centuries. A scapegoat is a person or animal who takes on the sins of others, or is unfairly blamed for problems. The concept comes originally from Hebrew culture, in which a goat is designated to be cast into the desert with the sins of the community. Other ancient societies had similar practices.

Today we see many examples of scapegoating with Islamophobia, racism and homophobia in our culture where people who hold some kind of ‘difference’ are targeted and projected onto. We are all responsible for what is happening in our world and I have been heartened to see the beautiful solidarity of women recently gathering outside the French embassy over the burkini incident in France because for me this is a microcosm of what’s needed.

Sadly it is human nature that we all carry blind spots and then find ourselves pushing those ‘disowned’ aspects of our psyches onto other people. We all carry a full spectrum of light to dark energy and naturally we prefer the world to see the light and we often repress or deny the dark. In that situation it’s far easier to look outside of ourselves and see the negativity that others are expressing as nothing to do with us and all to do with ‘the other’. The result is the belief that ‘I’m OK’ and it’s everyone else that needs to change. How can this be true? We are all living in a time where the proof of our ‘sins’ or ways in which we’ve ‘missed the mark’ is all around us in the form of inequality, prejudice, hatred, racism and the list goes on and generally expressions of pain. There are very few people who are able to own and hold their pain and so it’s far easier to target the scapegoat and let them carry it.

In families I’ve seen many examples of hatred, anger, sexual abuse, grief or violence that has been pushed into the shadows of the family story to preserve the family unit. In these families it’s very common that one or all of the children grow up expressing and holding a lot of the family anger. This is anger within the parents that was never dealt with or was deeply repressed but it has to go somewhere and it’s usually the children who unconsciously take it on or feel on some levels to blame that mummy or daddy are upset or angry.

Children are seeking mirrors that define them. If the only mirror is one that defines the child as the guilty party or the responsible one a sensitive child who longs for connection, will begin to define themselves accordingly. As that child grows he will encounter more and more of the world but will come from the same exact dynamic established at home, because he has identified with this way of interacting. He thinks it's who he is. He is the guilty one. The one who must constantly take responsibility for others emotions and "sins" because this is just what he does. He cares a great deal for others as a natural part of his authenticity but this caring has been contorted by this defined identity into carrying.

This child whose gift it was to be empathic has now been cursed. She will not use her empathy as recognition of what others are feeling, and the ability to mirror that back to them so that they can then use that information for their own growth. She will use her gift of empathy to carry other's burdens of guilt, responsibility and emotion. In so doing, he/she will somehow prove to herself that she is not the bad person she senses that she is.

Later this guilty belief and shame that ‘I’m responsible for this pain’ haunts the individual as they grapple with feeling like they carry a burden or that something is ‘wrong’ with them often with no conscious memory of where this comes from. Children who grow up holding some kind of difference will somehow feel a deep longing to belong and be the same as the majority when their differences are not met and seen by someone who deeply loves and respects them for who they are.

Therapy is the opportunity to look into these patterns and figure out what’s been going on your entire life. It takes some work but it is possible to access one’s inner wisdom and the truth of your family story which is possibly the most liberating thing a person who has this pattern can realise and work through.

I would love to hear your thoughts and comments on this. Please like my FB page too and visit www.lotus.org.uk. I'm going to write a series of blogs on how to work through these patterns.

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