The Agony and the Joy of Difference

11th September 2016

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If there’s one childhood memory that stands out for me it was the feeling that in some way I was different. I wanted to be good at sport, in with the 'in crowd' and slim. Unfortunately I was tubby, shy and a very deep thinker who felt older than her years. Children look for mirrors everywhere. They long to have something reflected back that tells them they belong and without realizing it they are longing to be seen. If a child doesn’t get that mirroring then they have two options – either they can look at other siblings and try to mirror what they perceive is going to be approved by the parents or caregivers or they withdraw and inwardly cancel themselves out. It becomes a kind of unconscious pattern throughout life of experiencing you are different in some way, wanting that not to be the case and then gradually developing the belief that ‘something is wrong with me’ because I’m not like that.

Differences are everywhere ranging from the obvious differences of gender and sexuality, race, body-size and height, hair colour, language and intellectual capacity. There are also hidden differences such as ADHD, personality disorders, learning difficulties, visual and auditory impairments, medical conditions and long-term illnesses. It’s also important to mention that not all differences are about conditions or things connected with your body, there are differences such as family circumstances or moving a lot due to a parent’s job, being an only child, being a child carer or the child of an alcoholic. In my case I was a deep, spiritual and sensitive child and that wasn’t seen until much later in life. Whatever the story is – the child maturing into an adult has to go through the process of feeling the isolation of difference, the pain of self-rejection through to the moment when they hopefully actually have the feeling ‘hey maybe there are some cool things about being me’ and finally to that epic moment of ‘I love and accept myself’.

The key with children is to really look at them in a soulful way. What can you see about the child that is unique and natural – something that they don’t even need to try at – what makes their heart sing and makes them come alive? It might be music, it could be sport or it could be putting on mum's make-up! Naturally children are going to try things out and some will find their ‘thing’ very young and others will take many years to actually grow and align themselves with their passion. Life is an adventure and so it doesn’t matter if they try things and give them up because the happiness comes from actually experimenting and holding the question ‘What makes me come alive?’ I remember once whilst facilitating an event I was asking questions to a lively audience and I felt as if I was so present and alive that I could do this forever. I knew in that moment that asking questions and helping others to do the same was my thing.

Many people find in mid-life that their unresolved patterns of noticing their differences are somehow re-surfacing in a vivid way. It’s as if suddenly you become aware of the extent to which you erode your sense of self with judgement when you are in a group or family situation. It’s also a time when all the unfinished business comes up in your face and you are confronted with your life and how rapidly it is passing you by. It’s the time when your body is aging and doesn’t quite have the reserves of energy it had before and so on some levels if by this stage you haven’t found and accepted yourself on the inside – it’s now or never! Looking after our bodies is important and yet we know they won't go on forever and so what we are left with ultimately is our own internal state - are we at peace with who we are or are we in turmoil?

In therapy the pain of differences is given space and a voice. This is so important to the healing process for the inner child and many clients actually sound very childlike when they are invited to speak about how it feels to hold their difference. It’s also interesting in group therapy that those who believe they are different may think that they are ‘the only one’ who has that particular story and often when asked ‘Does anyone else here hold this same difference?’ it’s often the case that someone else if not several people will hold up their hands. So the important thing to note here is that we are never as alone as we think we are. It may be rare in some cases however there are other people out there struggling in the same way that you are and once you start to speak openly about your difference you will find that sooner or later you will meet someone who fights the same battle.

The role of a great therapist is to meet an individual where they are and ‘see’ them where they are. It is truly amazing when empathy gets in where it has never been able to reach before. Often due to the pain of difference children shut down and put up powerful defenses naturally to protect that pain from being seen and these defenses can get more sophisticated with age. The therapist's role is to be the 'see-er' and to accept what is with a lot of love and so that the person can relax their defences and feel safe sometimes for the first time ever. When the defences relax often what you see is that a person softens and they worry less about what others think of them.

As adults it’s important that we become aware of how comfortable we are with people who are different and people who are similar to us. Then to actually notice more of your own patterns – do you compare yourself or do you allow who you are to be seen and celebrated? Sometimes our differences are not embraced and therefore it may be necessary to put some space between us and others to protect oneself from judgement. e.g. often for LGBTQ clients this is a necessary part of finding self-acceptance away from the judgement of family members. I've seen many cases where the child carried a 'difference' and the other family members shared that same difference but were in denial and so that child then became the scapegoated one.

As adults can we live with love and without fear and give each other permission to be who we are? Or are we going to stay in the prison of our childhood patterns of self-rejection? The pain of separation caused by differences is actually at the root of some of the biggest conflicts we have going on across the globe and resolution begins inside each one of us. It takes huge courage to stand in your truth and choose not to fall down the slippery slope of self-annihilation and to stay with the curiosity of ‘What makes me a beautiful unique human being?’ I believe this inner work is what we all have to do now so that not only can we fulfill our potential but also we can give future generations permission to be different and proud.

Once you embrace who you are then it's only natural to be curious about others and learn about their differences. Could we reach a point where we could reach out to those who we would never usually connect with and form friendships based on our common experience of being human? That's the world I want to live in.

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